Dear Lennon (Week 1),
I still can’t believe you’re here. You surprised us with a birthday earlier than we had anticipated & in the short time that I’ve known you, I feel like your birth story is such a beautiful & true reflection of your personality – sweet & strong, gentle yet assertive.
Let me start by saying that everything about you, my precious little Lennon, has been a beautiful surprise. We tried for so long to have your big brother & it was easily the most difficult experience your Daddy & I have been through together. But we were blessed by his arrival in ways we could have never imagined. And we were thankful. Our hearts were full of love.
We were happy with our little family of three. We held modest & realistic expectations for the future of our family. We knew we were open to growing our family, but we were humbled by our past experience. We respected the fact that it might not happen again for us. We were content. So, imagine our surprise (as well as our joy) when we discovered we were pregnant with you! It was the best surprise ever. We were again humbled by the grace of God & His plans for our family.
However, if I’m being honest, I must admit that amid my excitement there was also worry & fear. I wondered if we were ready to have another baby. I wondered how your brother would adjust. I wondered how your Dad & I would adjust. I wondered, questioned, & worried as I always do when faced with change (especially an unexpected one). Much to my surprise, my fears never lasted long. There was always a sense of peace around you & your arrival. When the fears surfaced, I quickly found comfort & confidence through prayer.
And in your Daddy – he always reminded me that we could do this. He reminded me that I had the same worries about change before Luke arrived. He reminded me that while some changes might be scary & difficult, they would be minor in comparison to the love, laughter, & joy that your new life would bring to ours. And he was right (but don’t tell him I said so, ok?).
As the feelings of shock & surprise gave way to excitement & enthusiasm, we started to make plans about your pregnancy & birth. First, (much to your Daddy’s dismay) we agreed to keep your gender a surprise. It seemed like a fitting theme . It was hard not knowing exactly who was growing inside of me, but I loved the anticipation of meeting you on your birthday. I’m not sure what your Daddy would say, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. Knowing that I was on the verge of discovering who you were gave me the strength & courage to follow the plans we made for your birth.
Just as we did with your brother, we again planned & prepared to have a natural birth with you. We wanted to labor at home. We wanted you to arrive on your own terms, in your own way, & on your own time. We wanted to welcome you into this world in the safest, most gentle way possible. Of course, just like your big brother, you had some ideas of your own (here’s where those strong & assertive qualities start to reveal themselves)!
In the very early hours of Sunday, April 6th you woke your Momma with an unusual sensation – nothing painful, but certainly different than anything I had ever felt before. I didn’t recognize the signs at the time, but would later learn that sensation was you breaking my water. Sunday was filled with lots of contractions, but none were super strong & they never developed into a predictable pattern. With advice from our doula & Bradley instructor, I decided not too worry too much & wait to see if anything changed. I felt safe knowing I would be evaluated by my OB the following morning.
I left your big brother with Mama & Papa G-dub on Monday morning so I could go to my appointment without having to chase him around. I even got your grandparents to agree to spend the rest of the day with Luke & me, so I could have their help in finishing a few last minute details before your arrival. I had no idea that my plans for the day would never be fulfilled.
With Daddy at work, you & I met our doula at the doctor’s office for our 37-week appointment. We reviewed the events of the day prior & agreed it was unlikely that I was in labor. That changed quickly, however, after Dr. Jewell performed his physical exam. He determined that my water had been broken for over 24 hours & he wanted me to admit myself to the hospital immediately. I cried as I listened to his instructions – immediate hospital admission, IV antibiotics to be administered, continuous electronic fetal monitoring, Pitocin…words that I hated. Interventions that I didn’t want. Once again, it felt like my hopes, plans, & dreams were slipping away.
I left the office shaking & in tears. I was so scared. We weren’t ready. I still had so much I wanted to do before you came. Overwhelmed with emotion, I called your Daddy. I told him that we were having a baby today! And despite how I felt about the plans for your birth I felt incredible joy & excitement as those words came out of my mouth. A sense of peace washed over me. I resolved to make this the best birthday possible for you even if it wasn’t going to be exactly what I had expected.
We were admitted to labor & delivery at MoBap around 10am. Our nurse was supportive of my wishes to still have as natural of a birth as possible & even agreed to wait on administering the Pitocin until Daddy arrived to be with us. My first dose of Pitocin was administered at 11:30am, so I guess that’s when our labor officially started! We started with the lowest dose possible, but Dr. Jewell had given strict instructions to increase the strength of Pitocin every 30 minutes in order to keep labor progressing towards delivery. I barely noticed the contractions in the beginning & I took to walking the halls with Gail (our doula). I wanted to do whatever I could to naturally help move labor in the right direction.
With Daddy & Gail’s help, I went through labor & contractions to the best of my ability. Each increase in the strength of the Pitocin did exactly as it was designed to do – strengthen & quicken the contractions – but for several hours, I felt in control. I was proud of myself for managing each wave of contractions with deep abdominal breathing, changing positions, & relaxation techniques. Daddy & Gail were there to help me though each one & in between, I was chatting, snacking, & enjoying their company. I felt powerful. I felt capable.
Of course, that feeling didn’t last forever. I don’t remember when I started to lose confidence in my ability to finish without pain medication, but I remember the thoughts: “I can’t do this,” “I want to go home,” “I want my bed,” “I want to be with Luke.” I remember saying “I can’t do this” out loud & was encouraged by everyone in the room that I was, in fact, already doing it. I just kept focusing on one contraction at a time. I let everything around me fade away. I found a way to trust my body. It really became an out of body experience. I remember thinking: “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” “Are these sounds really coming from me?” “I sound like a crazy person!” But I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was you.
The only time I felt really discouraged was when I started to feel the urge to push & was told I wasn’t ready. It was incredibly defeating. I didn’t know how to manage the urge to push. I eventually told my doula that I couldn’t stop myself from pushing. I told her that my body was doing it without instruction from me. It was at that point that she encouraged me to just let my body do what needed to be done & I was so very thankful for that!
I’m told I pushed for about an hour – hour & a half. I’ll take the word of others on that because at this point, I had lost all awareness of anything other than getting you out. I do remember the doctor coming in, which I foolishly thought that meant you were coming any minute! I remember trying several pushing positions before I settled into the one position I never thought I would want to deliver in: as if I was sitting in a recliner. It was the only position that gave me comfort between contractions & that was exactly what I needed at that point!
I remember people talking around me between contractions. I remember the darkness outside & the lights inside. I remember everyone’s encouraging words. I remember feeling so, so, so tired & so, so, so excited. I remember Daddy loving on me. I remember the doctor telling me the next push was going to be it. I remember your head coming out & the doctor saying you were a gorgeous baby. I remember the exact second when we saw you were a girl! I remember the tears in Daddy’s eyes. I remember him admitting that you were going to have him wrapped around your little finger. I remember the happiness, the gratitude, & the relief.
You were here. And you were perfect.
Likes –
- In typical newborn fashion (& especially pre-term newborn fashion), you LOVE to sleep! You really, really, really love it. As a result, we have barely seen those beautiful eyes of yours.
- You love snuggling with Mommy & Daddy – you sweet little thing.
Dislikes –
- You’ve decided that eating is for the birds. And following in your big brother’s footsteps, you have forced our hand in the eating department. You dropped 9% of your birth weight & are now being given additional bottles of Mommy’s milk & are woken up every 3 hours to eat.
- You are not a fan of being forced to wake up & eat.
Highlights –
- Your birthday stats:
- Birth Date: April 7th, 2014
- Birth Time: 9:17pm
- Birth Weight: 7 lb 13 oz
- Birth Length: 20.5in
- Apgar Scores: 9 and 9
- You were born on the Cardinals Home Opener! We love having our little Cardinal babies (your big brother was born during the 2011 playoffs & our beloved Cardinals went on to win the World Series that year)!
- I’m not sure I’d label this a “highlight,” but since it is a part of your story, I’ll add it: You earned yourself a NICU stay while we were in the hospital (way to scare your parents on day 1, Lennon!). You were admitted after lab work revealed an elevated white blood cell count & because you were struggling to maintain a healthy body temperature on your own (both signs of possible infection). Your time in the NICU ended up being preventative in nature as the rest of your test results all came back negative – we were so thankful. So incredibly thankful.
- You came home on Wednesday, April 9th. Your big brother was SO excited to have you home!!! He helped Daddy carry you inside & couldn’t wait to show you (& share with you) all of his toys…even his prized trains & train table. He loves you so much, Lennon.
